Some thoughts on my growing up experiences
I watched two movies in a roll today, cried for one of them, and felt pathetic for myself during the other.
Soul has great character design, concept, and storyline. "A typical good Pixar movie" I would say, but it's more than that to me. The cut where I laughed the most was the hedge funds manager part. That poor guy was caught by his own thought, turned into a sand monster in the "soul world" (forgot the name, may come back to it), mummers "I gotta get this trade." and losses himself. After he returned to his body, he realized he can't do this to his life.
Later on when the portagonist sits down after the show, plays the piano, and thinks about number 22, I flashed back to that hedge funds manager part.
I'm scared. As the music flows, I connected myself to the manager, and imagined if I keep on going this way into quant finance, may be I will end up like him. Yes, of course I know you can't just be a hedge funds manager just because you want to. But I'm still afraid because that could be me. Beyond relating to myself, I also worried for that guy. Does he has a family, what will that eat on if he quit the job? What about the money, the salary, the bread and milk? When that poor guy's soul was depressing, I was thinking about money and his living.
That's the time when I feel like, may be Pixar is not for me anymore. I've been watching Pixar since I was so young, and I argue with my parents every time when they say I'm too old for cartoons. We all know Pixar is not only for kids, they are even sometimes designed for adults. I used to say to myself, that no matter how old I am, I should always be like a kid, be curious, be cheerful. I should always been driven by curiosity and interest, but not money, pressure, and anxiety. So when I realized I was even thinking about future, money, career when I'm watching Pixar, I guess I've grown out of it.
I also think I'm like number 22. I can feel how despair it is to think only about "I'm not good enough", and "I have no purpose living". I sometimes think about the same thing. I'm really moved when the movie tells you that there are no such thing as a purpose, spark is not a purpose. Because I feel the sparks, but sometimes not purpose of life. It is hard to live only for the spark, but I will try. I know there are people who have only one purpose in their life, they love it and they live for it. Unfortunately I'm not one of them. I choose to live for the sparks in my life, for the moments that the warmth rise from my chest.
Anyways, we also watched Ponyo on the Cliff by the Ocean the same day. It's great, classic Gibli movie, classic Miazaki. There was a funny moment. (Spoilers alert!) When the red hair man keeps Sousuke's mother in the bubble and said we need to see if he can pass the test, I thought they were going to somehow let Sousuke thinks his mother was dead, tell him that Ponyo was the one who caused the flood, and see if Sousuke will hate Ponyo. Then I realized how dark I was. Come on this is Gibli not Attack on Titan, and yes, the test was only to ask him if he can love Ponyo even knowing she's half human half fish. That's also a moment when I felt, "oh, I've grown up, my heart is darker now," in a funny way, but still a bit pathetic.